Tatum Riley in "Detention"???

Ok, yeah, the title of this post is a joke I'm not actually in detention or anything.  To be honest I don't even know if college gives out detentions...?

Anyway.
The point of this post is a casual reminder that I've teamed up with Ginger Snap to do a horror movie review for her blog every Wednesday of the month of October.  Link to her blog on her name and also right here for when you want to go check it out.
For the record it probably wont be posted until late, which is totally my fault and I'm so sorry.  As you probably guessed schoolwork is prioritized over horror blogging (although I wish it wasn't).  So I'm sending it over quite late, and she has work until late, and I'm already like 2-3 time zones over from her so yeah, sorry about the general lateness of this review.

The movie I'm reviewing, and the inspiration for the title of this blog post, is Detention.  Why its called "detention" I'm not sure the characters are barely in detention at all.  Whatever, here is the link to the trailer in case you're interested.

Quick sort of fun story about this; I promised you all that I would only review movies I hadn't seen before, however this week was filled with fun essays -- one which I actually wrote on the horror movie Carrie -- so I wasn't sure I'd be able to find time to watch a new movie to review and considered just reviewing something I've already seen.  Luckily for me, it was like the blogging gods heard my woes, and tonight in my Intro to Film Studies class my professor said, "Since you guys busted ass writing a paper, lets watch a fun slasher-comedy."  Thank you based Ghostface.

Alright, here is the link to Ginger Snap's blog one last time, hopefully you'll see the review posted tonight...if not check back in the morning.

And I will see you all hopefully when I get back from New York Comic Con.  Apologies for the quick post.
♥ the 'real' Tatum Riley

Halloween month!

Hey guys and ghouls -- oh dear that was really corny wasn't it?  Ah well, hey everyone!  I am so excited because its October, and as a horror blogger I'm sure we all can guess what my favorite holiday is.  Yep thats right, its New Years!
I'm just kidding, its Halloween of course.  Sadly its about 86 degrees here so welcoming autumn has been a little...well...off this year, but hopefully it will cool off soon.

So I meant to make this post on the first of October, but unfortunately I've been pretty under the weather and completely bogged down with work, so I wasn't able to.  Or well, wasn't motivated to.
What I wanted to say (other then complain about the heat), is that I really wanted to do a whole "31 Days of Halloween" type thing, I mean, I'm a horror blog what is more up my alley than that?  Sadly being a History-major college-senior won't allow me the time to do so...so maybe next year.

However, my dear sweet lovely Ginger Snap is doing a Halloween theme for her blog this month and she's asked me to come aboard every Wednesday -- starting next week -- to do a horror movie review.  Her introductory post about what she's aiming to do this month on her blog can be found here and you should all check it out.

Check out that cute divider I'll be using this month!  So cute.  So spooky.

Anyway, I wanted to give you a basic run down of what I'll be doing as a guest on her blog; as I said I'll be appearing every Wednesday reviewing a horror movie that I haven't seen before, so theres no opinions formed already on what I'm watching, you'll get the full experience of a review.
The reviews are based off of the sub-categories of horror from Seth Grahame-Smith's How to Survive a Horror Movie manual (which I will add, is totally worth the read).  You may know the name because he is the author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which I actually haven't read yet.

Back on topic; the beginning of How to Survive a Horror Movie breaks down the horror genre into five basic categories; slashers, evil places/things, the undead, fangs (monsters), and satanic...things and events.
Ginger Snap has already posted a review on James Wan's recent film The Conjuring (which I also loved) and that covers the "satanic" category, so the last four will be left to me.  Seeing as I am a broke college student who is rather busy, most of the movies I will be watching will be via Netflix, so more easily accessible to everyone than ones that just left theaters.  You are welcome.

There are also other things I hope to review this month, but I'm not going to mention them here because I can't promise anything.
Sorry this post is so last minute, here have a cute ghost GIF to make up for it:

I'll see you all (hopefully) soon, either here or on Ginger Snap's blog!

♥ the 'real' Tatum Riley

Je suis un Francophile, pour votre information!

So school has been completely kicking my ass this past week, and I've had no time to really do anything except sleep and work.
Originally I planned to use the little downtime I had Friday afternoon/Saturday morning to play through the text-input-based-Lovecraftian-horror-adventure game, Anchorhead.  Wow isn't that a mouthful?  Sadly all the progress I made was lost when a friend borrowed my laptop and accidentally closed the window and I was unable to restore my game.  So that will be saved for another time.

Instead, French 1003 came through for me by assigning a movie to watch for class that fit the theme of my blog!  Since you probably weren't aware, I'm a total Francophile so I enjoyed watching it and was so pleased to find out it was a Hitchcock-like thriller!
As I've said before, I don't discriminate against any form of horror.  Everything from campy-comedy to gory-gut-wrenching to thriller-mystery is OK in my book...or well, my blog.
And, lets be real for a minute, if you don't like Hitchcock...well everyone is entitled to their opinion but you're wrong.

Now on to the review.

Ne le Dis à Personne (in English, Tell No One), is a French thriller that completely screams Hitchcock, as I said before.

As I learned in film class, while America only went through a phase where these type of thrillers were incredibly popular, France on the other hand never left that phase and these type of movies are still very mainstream.

Ne le Dis à Personne is about Dr. Alexandre Beck and his life after the murder of his wife Margot.

The first scene opens with the two of them doing couple things, has a flashback or two establishing that they've known each other for awhile, and then one night Margot gets up from their lakeside resting place and you hear her scream in the woods.  Alex swims after her only to get knocked out by a baseball bat.

Flash forward, 8 years have passed.  Dr. Beck seems to be getting along with his life just fine, he is treating patients, walking his dog, and hanging out with his sister and her wife a lot.  On the anniversary of his wife'd death he receives a strange email from an anonymous source containing a video of Margot walking around somewhere.

Excuse me, what?  I thought Margot was killed by a serial killer in the first scene.  There were even flashbacks to her dead body and her family identifying her.

Since this is a really fantastic movie, I don't want to spoil too much for anyone so I'll just give you a very short summary of the plot.

So obviously Alex is confused and upset that he is receiving emails about his dead wife claiming she isn't dead after all, and thats when the movie really starts moving quickly.  Next thing you know there are people shown tapping into his computer, people getting held hostage and beaten up all while being asked "Ou est Margot (Where is Margot)?"  And there is murder.  And through all of this, who is the main suspect the police are chasing?  None other than Dr. Alex Beck.

There are chase scenes, and gun shots, and eerie flashbacks all making you wonder, "is Margot really dead?"  And like most Hitchcock movies, there are plot twists, and curve balls, and you'll find yourself sitting there trying to solve the mystery and coming up with five different solutions to what could have happened.

The first 30-40 minutes of the movie are admittedly a little slow, they just follow the daily boring life of a pediatrician.  At the 40 minute mark is when it starts getting interesting, with the first email being received, and the first suggestion that Margot is either alive or haunting Alex via the internet.
At first the movie seems like its a slow build and then all of a sudden Alex is accused of murder and the movie becomes so fast paced that you may or may not get metaphorical whiplash.

Before I move on to giving the movie a rating, I will say this: There are implied scenes of rape.  Its not terrible, mostly just implied and a subject of discussion in the film, but just to establish this now; I will always tell you when there is a possible trigger of rape in a book or movie, its the only trigger I will mention because I mean, its a horror blog.  I can't be like "trigger warning: blood and murder," I mean most movies I watch and review on here are like that.
But rape is a very serious thing that upsets people depending on the varying degrees of how its shown.  So yes, trigger warning for it, but it isn't graphic or too bad.

I give this film a 4.5/5 stars.  Why not 5 you ask?  I just don't feel like it deserves 5/5 so sit down and don't ask again, I reply.

★★★★½

You can find the subtitled movie on Netflix under foreign movies, or simply by googling it and clicking the Netflix link.  I highly recommend it if you like Hitchcock movies, thrillers, France, or car chases.

And on that note, I leave you until I have another review.  Hopefully my blog will pick up in October because its Halloween month which only means; horror non-stop!

"This house is clean."
♥ the 'real' Tatum Riley

You're Next, aka "Close Ups of Distressed White People;" a movie review

Ok, its been awhile since I've last reviewed a movie...2 years maybe?  Who knows.

I've decided to format my movie reviews like so; I'll give you my opinion about it interwoven with a brief summary and key points, maybe a few jokes at its expense, a star rating, and then I'll post a spoiler warning and go more into depth with a synopsis of the movie.
Sound good?  Alright, lets get started!

Saturday my friend hit me up and was like "Hey do you want to see that new horror movie You're Next?"  Obviously I was like 'hell yeah,' I mean the previews for the movie looked promising.  Well my friend flaked on me (honestly knowing her, I didn't expect any less), but my other friend was willing to go so I saw it anyway.

I don't even know where to start with this movie.

When my friends asked what I thought of it, all I could really answer was; "Well it was most definitely...something thats for sure."  I can't say I hated it, but I don't think I liked it.

Let me explain.
Have you seen the trailer for it?  If not, you can watch it here.

I guess my disappointment started when I went in expecting a horror movie.  The trailer combined with the first 5-10 minutes of the movie promised me a violent, jump scare, slasher film.  I was stoked.
Unfortunately, the entire movie teetered on the line between 'trying to be scary' and being 'full on campy,' and it was incredibly frustrating that it couldn't just pick a damn side.  Although, at first I was concerned that it was just a bad horror movie that was unintentionally funny.
The very end before the credits roll, theres a splat of blood against the screen that says "YOU'RE NEXT."  Luckily that only confirmed that the movie was going for a slightly campy feel, and salvaged whatever good opinion I had towards the film.

Without even touching the storyline, I can tell you that the movie annoyed me for these reasons;

1. The actors playing the parents just could not act well.  At all.  I would provide an example, but the entire time they're on screen you can't help but laugh at what they're saying.  I hope that explains it enough.
2. The dialogue was terrible.  There is a scene where the family is completely freaking out (with good reason) and they're trying to get service on their phones but can't.  In the middle of panic their one son yells out; "They probably blocked our signal with a signal blocking box!  You can get those for like $30 on Amazon!"  ...I mean...really?
3. The entire movie was done with shaky cam, which gave me a headache.
4. And literally the entire first half of the movie was just close ups of white people looking distressed.  It was hilarious.

If you're confused I'll give you a brief summary of the movie:

There is this family; older parents, their four adult children, and those kids significant others, who go to the family's vacation home for the weekend to celebrate the 35th anniversary of the parents.  Oh by the way, the parents are incredibly wealthy and its made known that none of the kids are doing well financially at all.

While they're eating dinner and arguing, one of their daughter's boyfriend notices something strange outside and walks toward it only to be shot in the head by a crossbow.  Obviously the movie escalades from this point on with the family being hunted by guys in animal masks.

The hero of this movie is the son Crispin's girlfriend Erin, and I have mixed feeling about her as a character.  When the going gets rough, she springs into action, which is pretty badass...until they reveal her backstory.  Spoilers: she was raised in the Australian outback by survivalists.

I...what?  Look, theres nothing I love more than a beautiful, strong, horror movie heroine...but with a backstory like that, personally I think that makes her a little less badass.  It just seems too convenient.  If they had given her a backstory like "Oh I'm just trained in self defense," or "Oh I went to a lot of Eagle Scout camp outs," or even "Oh I just watch a lot of horror movies and know how to react in a situation like this."  Yeah, that would not only be less...ridiculous, but it would add to the campy feel and make her a lot cooler.

Unlike The Strangers (fuck that movie on some reals), there is actually motivation to killing the family, and a character with ulterior motives.  I think we both know where I'm going with this.

So I'll leave you with; go see it if you want, who am I to tell you to not see it.

Just know that it is, predictable, not scary, and just kind of underwhelming the entire time.

Since it was advertised to me as a horror movie, I'm giving it 2/5 stars.

★★☆☆☆

But maybe I'm just mad at the false advertising.  Ok, for the sake of giving it a higher rating, I'll rate it as a comedy-horror and give it 3.5/5.

★★★½☆

And this is where my review ends.  You may continue reading about certain parts of the movie I found hilarious, but know this: anything below this text and the "spoilers" warning will be spoilers.  Read at your own risk.

Honestly I just wanted to talk about a few more things before I wrap this up, and while they're spoilers, I also couldn't fit them into the review anywhere that would make sense so...

1. I should make it clear that everyone in the movie, except Erin the heroine, dies.  But its a slasher movie, so thats kind of a given.
2. Early on in the movie, the son Drake takes a crossbow shot to the shoulder, and spends half the movie running around with an arrow sticking out of his back.  I could not stop laughing.
3. Felix (the youngest son) and his angsty girlfriend Zee, the masterminds behind the murders, have the funniest deaths ever.  Erin smashes a blender and breaks the glass on Felix, then turns it on and sticks it into his head.  It was the funniest death I've seen since Braindead/Dead Alive.  So kudos to that.
4. As touched on before, the reason Felix wanted to kill his family was to inherit the life insurance.  Oh also, in a surprise twist that caught me off guard, Erin's boyfriend Crispin was in on it as well!  Who knew!

Thats really it I guess.

Kind of a shame that the only parts I liked from the movie had to go under a "spoilers" sign.  Ah well.

"I'll catch you on the flipside."

♥ the 'real' Tatum Riley