Halloween month!

Hey guys and ghouls -- oh dear that was really corny wasn't it?  Ah well, hey everyone!  I am so excited because its October, and as a horror blogger I'm sure we all can guess what my favorite holiday is.  Yep thats right, its New Years!
I'm just kidding, its Halloween of course.  Sadly its about 86 degrees here so welcoming autumn has been a little...well...off this year, but hopefully it will cool off soon.

So I meant to make this post on the first of October, but unfortunately I've been pretty under the weather and completely bogged down with work, so I wasn't able to.  Or well, wasn't motivated to.
What I wanted to say (other then complain about the heat), is that I really wanted to do a whole "31 Days of Halloween" type thing, I mean, I'm a horror blog what is more up my alley than that?  Sadly being a History-major college-senior won't allow me the time to do so...so maybe next year.

However, my dear sweet lovely Ginger Snap is doing a Halloween theme for her blog this month and she's asked me to come aboard every Wednesday -- starting next week -- to do a horror movie review.  Her introductory post about what she's aiming to do this month on her blog can be found here and you should all check it out.

Check out that cute divider I'll be using this month!  So cute.  So spooky.

Anyway, I wanted to give you a basic run down of what I'll be doing as a guest on her blog; as I said I'll be appearing every Wednesday reviewing a horror movie that I haven't seen before, so theres no opinions formed already on what I'm watching, you'll get the full experience of a review.
The reviews are based off of the sub-categories of horror from Seth Grahame-Smith's How to Survive a Horror Movie manual (which I will add, is totally worth the read).  You may know the name because he is the author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which I actually haven't read yet.

Back on topic; the beginning of How to Survive a Horror Movie breaks down the horror genre into five basic categories; slashers, evil places/things, the undead, fangs (monsters), and satanic...things and events.
Ginger Snap has already posted a review on James Wan's recent film The Conjuring (which I also loved) and that covers the "satanic" category, so the last four will be left to me.  Seeing as I am a broke college student who is rather busy, most of the movies I will be watching will be via Netflix, so more easily accessible to everyone than ones that just left theaters.  You are welcome.

There are also other things I hope to review this month, but I'm not going to mention them here because I can't promise anything.
Sorry this post is so last minute, here have a cute ghost GIF to make up for it:

I'll see you all (hopefully) soon, either here or on Ginger Snap's blog!

♥ the 'real' Tatum Riley

And now a personal account; "Why I Like Horror Movies"

[A piece I wrote for my Intro to Non-Fiction English class, see end of post for notes!] 

I’m 7 years old.
I’m standing frozen in my kitchen, wide-eyed, with the television remote still in my hand. The screen in front of me dances with images of a bloody-mouthed man beating a police officer to death, leaning over and biting a portion of his face off.
My babysitter rushes into the room. She takes the remote from me, switches off the TV, and hugs me asking if I’m ok. I’m paralyzed with a fear and intrigue that would stay with me for the rest of my life.

The Silence of the Lambs won five out of the seven Oscars it was nominated for in 1992, including ‘Best Actor in Leading Role,’ awarded to Anthony Hopkins, who beat two policemen to death as Hannibal Lector in front of my 7 year old eyes.
More than often I use this bit of information when I have to remind friends and family that not only I find it a work of cinematic genius.

I guess that comes with the territory of being a horror movie fan.

I’m a junior in high school.
My so-called boyfriend says that Hostel was a waste of an hour and a half; he asks why I like such pointless and idiotic movies.
Our relationship only lasts a few months after that. It ends with me dumping him after a large fight over the classic movie Halloween. Or rather, it ends because I want to watch the film in peace and he wants to bring up all of our problems. But I tell everyone that it ends over that film, and everyone believes that I’m obsessive and weird enough to do something like that.

“Don’t you already own that movie?” My roommate freshman year of college asks as I open the packaging to the 2005 gore-fest that is Hostel.
“I did,” I say. She stares at me while I explain that I had to buy a new one because I watched my previous DVD so many times it burned out.
Hostel never won any awards. It is harder for people to understand why I find this one so wonderful, when no academy recognizes it as a cinematic masterpiece, or when a friend risks seeing someone get their eye cut out if they accidentally glance at my laptop screen.
“I watch it when I’m sad,” I tell her. And when I’m happy. Or bored. Or just need background noise. I watch it a lot.

She doesn’t even pretend to understand.

My mother watches me cringe and whimper as the villain in the 1999 Japanese film Audition uses a wire saw around her paralyzed husbands ankle and begins to remove his foot. She makes a disgusted noise and averts her eyes from the television. As she leaves the room she asks me for what seems like the millionth time why I’m so obsessed with watching movies like these. I shrug. “They make me uncomfortable,” I tell her.
She tilts her head in confusion.
“In a good way.” I add on.
She tells me she doesn’t understand, and I tell her its ok, I don’t really either. Its just the underlying fact is that these movies make me happy, and that’s why I can watch them from sunrise to sunset.

“So basically, you’re obsessed with horror movies?” The cute boy asks while we’re hanging out and getting to know one another. “Yeah,” I say. “I find the stories easy to follow and blood spatter fun to watch, I could watch them for days. Are you a fan?”
He tells me he isn’t really, he finds them gross and boring. Plus he doesn’t like the adrenaline rush that comes with being scared. I say that part is my favorite part.
Well that’s a shame, I think, he is really cute.
I think how the lack of interest in horror could make or break a relationship with me, and I silently wish that it wasn’t such a deal breaker.
“But I could always try to be more interested in them,” he offers, breaking my train of thoughts.

It is over a year later, and he is my boyfriend. He asks if I want to see The Evil Dead remake with him in theaters, I say yes. This is better than a marriage proposal.
I smile at him; it’s nice to know that now more than just myself and the academy thinks that The Silence of the Lambs is a cinematic masterpiece.

Notes on this writing:
Hey guys! I figured I'd share this piece with you! It was my first assignment from a creative writing class that I took over the summer, the topic was: Write about an obsession, and what better to write about than my undying love for horror movies?

I don't really have much more to add to this, but I leave you with this question: Are the floating skull dividers too much? I wanted to add dividers/a fun element to my blog, but I'm worried that it might look goofy or not fit with the theme. Let me know what you think! Leave comments below, and constructive criticism is always welcome! And I will see you guys in the next blog post!

"Be afraid, be very afraid."
♥ the 'real' Tatum Riley

You're Next, aka "Close Ups of Distressed White People;" a movie review

Ok, its been awhile since I've last reviewed a movie...2 years maybe?  Who knows.

I've decided to format my movie reviews like so; I'll give you my opinion about it interwoven with a brief summary and key points, maybe a few jokes at its expense, a star rating, and then I'll post a spoiler warning and go more into depth with a synopsis of the movie.
Sound good?  Alright, lets get started!

Saturday my friend hit me up and was like "Hey do you want to see that new horror movie You're Next?"  Obviously I was like 'hell yeah,' I mean the previews for the movie looked promising.  Well my friend flaked on me (honestly knowing her, I didn't expect any less), but my other friend was willing to go so I saw it anyway.

I don't even know where to start with this movie.

When my friends asked what I thought of it, all I could really answer was; "Well it was most definitely...something thats for sure."  I can't say I hated it, but I don't think I liked it.

Let me explain.
Have you seen the trailer for it?  If not, you can watch it here.

I guess my disappointment started when I went in expecting a horror movie.  The trailer combined with the first 5-10 minutes of the movie promised me a violent, jump scare, slasher film.  I was stoked.
Unfortunately, the entire movie teetered on the line between 'trying to be scary' and being 'full on campy,' and it was incredibly frustrating that it couldn't just pick a damn side.  Although, at first I was concerned that it was just a bad horror movie that was unintentionally funny.
The very end before the credits roll, theres a splat of blood against the screen that says "YOU'RE NEXT."  Luckily that only confirmed that the movie was going for a slightly campy feel, and salvaged whatever good opinion I had towards the film.

Without even touching the storyline, I can tell you that the movie annoyed me for these reasons;

1. The actors playing the parents just could not act well.  At all.  I would provide an example, but the entire time they're on screen you can't help but laugh at what they're saying.  I hope that explains it enough.
2. The dialogue was terrible.  There is a scene where the family is completely freaking out (with good reason) and they're trying to get service on their phones but can't.  In the middle of panic their one son yells out; "They probably blocked our signal with a signal blocking box!  You can get those for like $30 on Amazon!"  ...I mean...really?
3. The entire movie was done with shaky cam, which gave me a headache.
4. And literally the entire first half of the movie was just close ups of white people looking distressed.  It was hilarious.

If you're confused I'll give you a brief summary of the movie:

There is this family; older parents, their four adult children, and those kids significant others, who go to the family's vacation home for the weekend to celebrate the 35th anniversary of the parents.  Oh by the way, the parents are incredibly wealthy and its made known that none of the kids are doing well financially at all.

While they're eating dinner and arguing, one of their daughter's boyfriend notices something strange outside and walks toward it only to be shot in the head by a crossbow.  Obviously the movie escalades from this point on with the family being hunted by guys in animal masks.

The hero of this movie is the son Crispin's girlfriend Erin, and I have mixed feeling about her as a character.  When the going gets rough, she springs into action, which is pretty badass...until they reveal her backstory.  Spoilers: she was raised in the Australian outback by survivalists.

I...what?  Look, theres nothing I love more than a beautiful, strong, horror movie heroine...but with a backstory like that, personally I think that makes her a little less badass.  It just seems too convenient.  If they had given her a backstory like "Oh I'm just trained in self defense," or "Oh I went to a lot of Eagle Scout camp outs," or even "Oh I just watch a lot of horror movies and know how to react in a situation like this."  Yeah, that would not only be less...ridiculous, but it would add to the campy feel and make her a lot cooler.

Unlike The Strangers (fuck that movie on some reals), there is actually motivation to killing the family, and a character with ulterior motives.  I think we both know where I'm going with this.

So I'll leave you with; go see it if you want, who am I to tell you to not see it.

Just know that it is, predictable, not scary, and just kind of underwhelming the entire time.

Since it was advertised to me as a horror movie, I'm giving it 2/5 stars.

★★☆☆☆

But maybe I'm just mad at the false advertising.  Ok, for the sake of giving it a higher rating, I'll rate it as a comedy-horror and give it 3.5/5.

★★★½☆

And this is where my review ends.  You may continue reading about certain parts of the movie I found hilarious, but know this: anything below this text and the "spoilers" warning will be spoilers.  Read at your own risk.

Honestly I just wanted to talk about a few more things before I wrap this up, and while they're spoilers, I also couldn't fit them into the review anywhere that would make sense so...

1. I should make it clear that everyone in the movie, except Erin the heroine, dies.  But its a slasher movie, so thats kind of a given.
2. Early on in the movie, the son Drake takes a crossbow shot to the shoulder, and spends half the movie running around with an arrow sticking out of his back.  I could not stop laughing.
3. Felix (the youngest son) and his angsty girlfriend Zee, the masterminds behind the murders, have the funniest deaths ever.  Erin smashes a blender and breaks the glass on Felix, then turns it on and sticks it into his head.  It was the funniest death I've seen since Braindead/Dead Alive.  So kudos to that.
4. As touched on before, the reason Felix wanted to kill his family was to inherit the life insurance.  Oh also, in a surprise twist that caught me off guard, Erin's boyfriend Crispin was in on it as well!  Who knew!

Thats really it I guess.

Kind of a shame that the only parts I liked from the movie had to go under a "spoilers" sign.  Ah well.

"I'll catch you on the flipside."

♥ the 'real' Tatum Riley